Archive for the ‘Reptiles’ Category

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Journey Across the Manly Sea.

June 7, 2012

The journey was long, but they knew that had to take it. Their wives had caught them watching Bridget Jones and eating ice cream. It was time for them to leave, to voyage out across the Manly Sea, and to find the gruff hairy man inside them.

Dilbert was a bird, or at least, he assumed he was a bird. What would the bill and wings be for otherwise? He wasn’t entirely sure what kind of bird he was, he just knew he wasn’t a sparrow, or an ostrich.

George was a turtle. He wanted to be a Ninja Turtle when he was small, but he discovered quite quickly that he wasn’t good enough at kicking people in the face in a stealthy fashion so had to settle for just being a normal turtle. It still kept him up some nights.

The pair said goodbye to their respective wives, to ice cream, and to their Bridget Jones VHS tape, and set out on their perilous journey of manliness.

The day started well. The Manly Sea was calm, and so were they, until they saw The Island (not the film). Excited, they swam over to The Island, hoping to find manly stuff, like beer, and hairy legs. There was nothing on the shore, not even a moustache, but Dilbert and George walked up the beach regardless, assuming that manliness would be found further in.

Pushing through the overgrown trees they found themselves stood in front of a small pink house.

“Doesn’t look very manly,” George grunted.

“Maybe it’s a trick. Like a test to see if we’re comfortable enough with ourselves to go into a pink house,” Dilbert offered.

“Okay, let’s try it.”

They cautiously edged through the door and turned on the lights to discover a hugely feminine living room, with an excessive amount of cushions (so many as to make it actually less comfortable because there was no space for sitting down). The fridge was full of ice cream, and the VHS collection included such classics as BOTH Bridget Jones films, and Notting Hill. Dilbert and George looked at each other, baffled. It was their dream house. So they watched the films, they ate the ice cream, and they sailed back home during the night, thoroughly happy yet confused as to how this constituted manliness.

Their wives were waiting for them on their home shore, looking quite angry, and getting angrier still as their husbands explained how it had gone.

“You went the wrong bloody way!” Alice (Dilbert’s wife) interrupted, and pointed in the opposite direction to which they had sailed, “It’s that way!”

“Shit,” Dilbert said, and headed back to the sea, “I guess we best try again, then.”

And so they set sail, in the same direction they had gone earlier, and high fived as their wives shouted for them to turn the other way.

Thanks to Dannie for the image, which is from here.

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The Opera Singers’ folly.

March 8, 2012

“OH MY GOD THERE IS A SPIDER THE SIZE OF MY FACE, ON MY FACE!” Screamed Phil the frog.

“Phil! It’s just Barry. Stop being so dramatic. You’ll make us all deaf!” Arnold the tortoise was in a bad mood. Their operatic performance from the previous night had been reviewed poorly, and now Barry and Phil were arsing about during rehearsal.

“Sorry, everyone. But Barry! You really must stop jumping onto my head, you are quite scary looking!” Phil glanced up at his spider friend.

Secretly, Barry was quite hurt at this remark, because he couldn’t help being a scary spider, but he kept it to himself.

The trio had met during an Official Opera Singer’s House Party the previous year, (which is a lot like a normal house party, except everyone has beautiful, melodic voices). By the end of the night they found themselves in a corner drunkenly discussing the pros and cons of forming an operatic trio. The “cons” column consisted solely of a hauntingly realistic rendering of a prison convict, which suggested that they didn’t fully understand what they were doing. The doodle of a baseball player in the “pros” column confirmed the theory.

Still, somehow, they had managed to become classical music stars. Touring the world and appearing on Classic FM repeatedly. They had made it.

But cracks had begun to show.

Barry had taken to eating spaghetti hoops before going on stage, he wouldn’t go on without them. Phil never took anything seriously any more, he kept writing rude jokes on the toilet walls. Arnold was getting exasperated with the whole thing.

“Listen! I’m getting sick of both you! We nee-” Arnold did not have time to finish his sentence.

Suddenly, a Man’s Hand picked them up! It was the biggest Man’s Hand they had ever seen.

Frozen with fear, the three were carried towards a burning barbecue.

This was it. It was over, they were going to be barbecued alive. Oh buggering hell.

But then, the Man’s Hand put them down on the grass, and said:

“Opera Singers! Can you sing for me? We are having a barbecue and it would be lovely to have some music.”

After a short moment spent trying to work out how a Man’s Hand could talk, the trio burst into song. They gave the performance of their lives and received a standing ovation.

It was their last performance together. Barry went to rehab for his spaghetti hoops problem, Phil was arrested for writing profanities on toilet walls, and Arnold wrote a book called “Don’t be an opera singer based on a drunken conversation at party.”

Thanks to the excellent Mike and Steve for both sending me this image! They found it here.

Don’t forget to send your entries in for the Title Competition, everyone!

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The Legendary Strawberry.

December 2, 2011

There was once a Legendary Strawberry. It was said that it had the power to grant whoever kissed it with immortality, for the rest of their lives.

Steven and Barry were two young good for nothings. They hung about the streets of Tortoise Town, drinking cider, playing dice, and getting into trouble with the law.

One day, in a game of cards, they won a mysterious, tea-stained map. Scrawled in archaic lettering at the top were the words “Legendary Strawberry – Aww Yeah”, and below was an erratic line leading to a promising looking cross.

Realising that they had found the route to immortality (for the rest of their lives), excitement gripped the pair in a crunchy vice of excitedness. They set off immediately on the trail, hoping to get back in time for Bullseye on Challenge TV that night.

After about half an hour, Steve was so tired that he asked Barry to carry him. Barry was not hugely pleased by this, but since they were buddies he thought it would be the right thing to do. Besides, he would be owed a piggy-back, which was always a good thing to have in the bank.

By around 7pm they found themselves atop a mighty hill, staring at the Legendary Strawberry, exactly where the map had it marked. The thrill of standing before such a luscious fruity legend made Barry drop the map, it floated away on the wind, like a feather, except it was a map.

‘Kiss it!’ Barry yelled up to Steve (not noticing the map had flown away).

Steve did as he was bid, and a fruity pink haze descended over him.

‘My turn!’ Barry shouted, despite Steve clearly being within normal talking to people range.

He leapt up and gave the strawberry an excellent smooch, knocking Steve off his back in the process. The same fruity haze enveloped him.

Everything was good for about five minutes. They celebrated their strawberry-based gift by dancing about and high-fiving and all sorts of other cool stuff, but when they turned to go home and catch Bullseye they realised the map had gone.

‘Bollocks.’ Barry said.

With no way of finding a way home without the map, they elected to live within the strawberry for eternity. They had long and happy lives, dying at the ripe old age of 82 (Steve) and 82 and one day (Barry).

Many thanks to the lovely Kieren for this, who got it from here.

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The Glue Monster.

September 26, 2011

The worst thing about putting glue on your fins and then patting your friends on the back is your flipper becomes glued to your friend’s back. This is what Thomas, Percy, and James discovered to their surprise just last week.

Nobody was sure how they got the glue, perhaps it washed up on the shore thanks to the Disgraceful Behaviour of Humans (DBH)? But my God, their respective mothers were not pleased. For the next week each mother had to have enough food in for three hungry turtles! Each night the “Glue Monster” (as the kids had dubbed themselves) went to each of their mother’s houses, and each wanted to be fed every time! It was outrageous. Some would say this was greedy of them, and those people would be right.

Little does James know, but his mum took the food costs directly out of his university fund, so he is destined for a call centre. That’ll teach him.

After the week was up the glue seemed to loosen and they freed themselves by playing a tug of war game in the park. Most people thought Thomas would win and put down £5 bets to prove it, but in the end nobody won as the glue snapped and all the turtles fell over at the same time. It was comedic, but angry gamblers don’t tend to care for comedy and so there was a lot of shouting and threats until they were refunded.

After the partially traumatic event the turtles all ran home, only to be grounded as soon as they got there for “Shitting about with glue.”

From then on they never even used Pritt Stick.

Thanks to Dannie for the image, which was obviously from here.

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The Vegetarian Crocodile.

September 5, 2011

Emilio the crocodile was a vegetarian, and all his friends laughed at him as he munched on beetroot and carrots for his dinner as they chewed on the faces of eagles and horses. He had become a vegetarian when he was a lad after a rabbit saved his life (he doesn’t like to talk about it, but it had a profound effect on him).

Anyway, one day he had been down the pub with his mates and they were having a laugh at his expense as usual. After a little ribbing, and far too much beer, they dared Emilio to go and eat a hippo. Of course he was never going to, but he headed out to the river all the same looking as fierce as he could muster. He was all frowny and he showed some of his teeth, which wasn’t really that scary but he figured what he lacked in the intimidating expression department would be made up for by him being a crocodile, which is pretty scary anyway.

He got to the lake as his friends cheered him on, and stared at the biggest hippo for a bit.

“Not sure what to do now.” Emilio muttered to himself.

The hippo overheard his mutterings, and raising an eyebrow queried “What are you up to?”

Emilio explained the situation apologetically, hoping that his honesty would warm the heart of the massive hippo and not provoke the beast into kicking him across town. Luckily the former was the result.

“Jump on my back.” The hippo smiled.

Emilio looked confused.

“Jump on my back and I’ll carry you home. You’re in no fit state to get there on your own, and this way you don’t have to explain all this to your friends.”

Emilio complied.

And this is where he got his idea for the now hugely successful Hippo Taxis business!

Image from here, with thanks to the fancy Kieren.

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Video Thrills.

August 24, 2010

It’s video time again at Animal on Animal. Tortoises seem to be the preferred animal to be on when it comes to other animals travelling.

WARNING: The music is very annoying.

So yes, a lazy flipping cat using a tortoise to ferry it about. Not exactly heart warming, but that’s life I guess.

As a side note, the well of images I have is starting to look a little unhealthy, so if you come across any Animals on Animals please send them here (link on the right).

Cheers to Sawan for this. He got it from that Youtube place.

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Terrapin mania.

July 27, 2010

You may remember several months ago I kicked off this site with the most astonishing image anyone could possibly imagine.

Since then there have been many fantastic Animal on Animal entries, so in an effort to guarantee their place in history, the terrapin species has returned:

Clearly these  particular terrapin folk saw the site and thought they could do better, and while it may lack the charm of the previous terrapin entry, it certainly does a good job of compensating for that by the sheer number of terrapins present, I count at least four billion terrapins in that image, which by anyone’s standard is quite a lot.

Well done terrapins, and well done Lindsay for taking the photo and sending it in.

Well done everyone, just for being here today.