Archive for July, 2011

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My Time Travelling Children.

July 13, 2011

It’s not easy being a mother. Things are especially difficult when your children warp in from the future and just cling to you.

Clarice experienced this first hand. She was single lady, going out shopping on the weekend for a nice dress and some tea (as single ladies do). Everything was going as you would expect. The sky was blue, birds were flying about saying “Allo” to each other and pooing on innocent people below.

Presently Clarice heard a low humming in her ears, and before she knew it a WHOOSH sound enveloped her, the WHOOSH was then replaced by children.

There was nowhere to hide. She was covered in miniature versions of herself and they were all shouting incomprehensible nonsense about things that didn’t make sense. Clarice was afraid.

“WHO THE CHUFF ARE YOU?!” she asked, politely.

The children screamed in unison, “We are your children from the future! You sent us back in time to bother you in the past because we had knocked over the flower pots in the garden and you were a bit sick of us!”

“Shit.” thought Clarice.

“Shit.” said Clarice.

She had no choice but to raise her future children as normal, so she got on with it. She never did get that dress…

Six long months passed. The children were playing in the garden as usual, being messy and loud. Clarice was somewhat peeved about the whole thing, they never seemed to tire even when she made them do laps around the house. In truth she was going slightly mental, it’s not easy bringing up your own kids from the future. She began to shout at them.

It was then that the children knocked over the plant pots in the garden while running at 88mph and being struck by 1.21 gigawatts worth of lighting simultaneously.

They vanished, and reappeared six months earlier clutching a familiarly surprised Clarice…

Thanks to Lindsay for the image, not sure where it came from.

Also, if anyone has come across any new images they think would be suitabe for Animal on Animal, please send them in, I’m running low on things that are suggesting good stories to me, so new stuff would be great.

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The Angry Witch and the Hippo.

July 1, 2011

It had been a tedious morning for Dilbert the Hippo. He had made a bowl of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes for breakfast but somehow managed to forget about them while he was pottering about, so when he came to eat them they were soggy. Dilbert hated soggy Crunchy Nut Cornflakes.

It was then that The Witch came. The Witch (an unfortunate name for any little bird), had decided at a young age to take her name up as a vocation, and had trained many years at Witch School. Secretly she had hoped Witch School would be a bit like Harry Potter, but unfortunately it was just a bunch of shitty portable classrooms in a field.

A combination of being a witch, going to a rubbish witch school, and being run over by a callous hippo driving a knackered old Mercedes Benz while drunk, had thrown The Witch into a gaping, swirling canyon of madness and hatred.

Her madness and hatred were mainly directed at hippos and portable classrooms, and Quavers (another story).

That morning The Witch had snapped after kicking her toe up on her front door. She flew into a rage, and rushed to the nearest portable classroom she could find. There were seconds between her arrival and the classroom becoming a smouldering blotch on the grass.

Once the deed was done The Witch found herself still very angry, so she went in search of a hippo to take out her rage upon. Unluckily for Dilbert that hippo turned out to be him.

He had just discovered his soggy Crunchy Nut Cornflakes when The Witch, spewing abusive words and making rude gestures toward him, flew down and sat on his back, her magic touch instantly turning him into Lego.

The Witch was pleased, and flew off laughing to herself, not knowing that justice was around the corner. The police found her and arrested her for “Turning flipping hippos into Lego”, and “Burning stuff.” She was sentenced to life.

Thanks to Dannie for the image, (captured on location at the event).