Archive for February, 2012

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Milo and Chief’s Big Adventure.

February 24, 2012

Milo was a brown duck, Chief was a white duck. They were not of different races, Chief had simply had a terrible accident involving emulsion when he was a painter and decorator.

The two had not always got along. When they were young ducks they had been hanging out at the local juice bar, sipping some kiwi juice and wearing shellsuits. Yes, shellsuits. The ones that are bright colours and make “shoosh” sounds when you move. It was the early 90s. Suddenly, a woman duck appeared.

Well, she didn’t appear, she came through the doorway. She wasn’t a frigging magician. Christ.

Anyway, a woman duck walked in. She was wearing one of those super cool pink shellsuits, and both Milo and Chief were crazy for her. As she stepped into the room, the two friends instantly began punching each other in efforts to impress her. It was an atrocious show of misguided romance-driven violence, for the woman duck loved NEITHER OF THEM. She was in love with a sheep dog named Keith from back home.

Upon realising this horrible truth, Milo and Chief fell into a deep depression, and took to floating aimlessly on rivers. Milo stood atop Chief’s back acting as lookout in case any pirates came and tried to scuttle them.

One day, they were floating as usual, moping away the hours of the day, when they realised they had lost track of time. They found themselves floating in the rivers of Venice! Due to the excellent romantic reputation of Venice, the pair bumped into some women and were instantly married.

It was well good.

Thanks to Robert for the image, who got it from some strange Facebook group called “I love to laugh”. Have a search for it if you feel the need.

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The Shelf Collector.

February 9, 2012

Well.

To begin I’d like to apologise for the last post, which was, put mildly, almost as good as the usual standard of posts here, but not quite there. Not quite. Hopefully today’s will be up to scratch. Read on, internet traveller…

Shelves. Tiffany had seen them all. Sometimes they were made of wood, painted in exciting patterns. Sometimes the wood was mahogany. Sometimes, it wasn’t wood at all, it was they weird stuff made of loads of tiny bits of wood and then pressed into a board. Once, Tiffany had seen a metal shelf, but she didn’t like to talk about that.

It was no coincidence that Tiffany had seen so many shelves. She was, in fact, a great lover and appreciator of the vertical standing, stuff holding furniture.

As her biographer, I should say that Tiffany was a cat. This information is important.

As a young cat she had travelled the world, searching for fine examples of shelving for her newly opened Pretty Excellent Shelving Museum based in Shoreditch.

Her life had been long and exciting. A bit like Indiana Jones’ life. Once she had opened a big box and loads of ghosts came out and killed some Nazis, it was quite horrific.

Anyway. One day, in her later years, Tiffany was walking through the streets near her museum, when she came across an alleyway she had never seen before. Meek ‘meow’ sounds were coming from within. As it was her native language, and not many people in Shoreditch tended to speak it, she investigated.

Peering in, she saw something that shocked her whiskers off. It was a shelf of living cats.

“Hello,” said the cat on the top shelf. “We are the Shelf of Living Cats. We come from the future, when it is massively fashionable to make yourself into a living shelf.”

Tiffany stared at them, trying to comprehend.

The Shelf of Living Cats continued. “We have come to meet you, as we know you have a museum of shelves and such. We wish to become part of your collection, and thus, the envy of our shelf friends in the future.”

After some baffling negotiation, an agreement was made, and Tiffany bought the Shelf of Living Cats at a reasonable price, keeping them fed and watered for the rest of their lives.

Unfortunately I don’t have a picture of Tiffany, but she was a cat, so you can just imagine.

Thank you to Amy for this picture, which is from here.

Many thanks as well to all the Animal on Animal fans for the recent influx of entries, I will get around to them all eventually, they are much appreciated.