Archive for May, 2011

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Gangsters 4Life.

May 17, 2011

Apologies about missing last week. I was a bit worried about following the last post, as it was amazing.

tossersthatreviewthingsontheinternet.com gave it a stunning 9/10, saying “We couldn’t read it without checking all the doors were locked and then taking our pants off. ” Which was lovely of them. The animalonanimal fan club sent me some flowers that seemed to have been taken from my own garden, with a “Congratulations” card attached apparently written in my own handwriting.

It was an all round success.

So here’s hoping this one will be acceptable at the very least.

Trevor was sick of being in a gang. He wasn’t a bad rhinoceros, he was just bigger than most people, and not so clever, and that tended to get him into trouble.

Being beefy attracted a lot of negative attention when he was in his youth. Kids would push him and challenge him to fights, dare him to run about in china shops with his friend Edward the bull. He used to get into trouble with the police a lot, and eventually fell in with a bad crowd full time.

Clive “Oddly Small” Stevens was the worst of them. A bafflingly tiny rhinoceros with a Napoleon complex, he was hell bent on “Running this freakin’ town, bitches”, and quickly became the leader of a gang that would be called “The Superfly Cool Dudez”.

The gang was mostly comprised of little white birds that made a lot of noise and didn’t do too much, so whenever anything dangerous or violent needed doing that would likely warrant an Explicit Lyrics label were it a music release, Trevor was sent to do the dirty work.

After a few years of this, he eventually realised that his life had not gone the way he had wanted. His mum kept telling him off every time he went to see her, and his dad just stared at him, glassy eyed, sipping whiskey.

So Trevor got out.

He told Colin where to shove his gang and ran off to Devon to set up a B & B (which these days is said to have the best tea of any B & B in the country), and lived there until he was old and smelled a bit.

I would like to thank the one they call Dannie for the image, who got it from here.

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The Mysterious Skip.

May 6, 2011

Here’s a fun fact for you. When I was a child I had a teddy bear that wore red overalls, and when you pulled the cord on his back he played “Teddy Bear’s Picnic”. He sounded a bit like a carousel. That kind of music that goes “plinky plonk” etc.

This dubiously links us to today’s Animal on Animal, which goes by the name of The Mysterious Skip, read on, fair maidens:

If you were lucky, when you were young your parents told you not to play in skips, or on motorways, or inside bonfires. Christopher and Nelson were not lucky. They had been playing on the motorway that very morning with a bonfire.

After tiring of their game they set off home in high spirits, ready to eat porridge of inconsistent temperatures and sleep in beds of varying sizes, when they came across a huge skip. Now, if you remember the previous paragraph you will know that Christopher and Nelson didn’t know that playing in skips was dangerous, and made you look a bit homeless, so they peeped inside.

They could see nothing just peeping over, so they clambered up and leapt into the festering rubbish within. At least, that’s what they assumed they would land in. In actuality the skip contained a tunnel that went straight through the core of the Earth and came out the other side, in upside down Australia land, so leaping into it resulted in a very long fall (roughly six hours, depending on traffic). There was no “in-fall entertainment”, but continuous screaming kept them busy for the most part.

Thankfully, on reaching Australia they had the sense to have a rest and some juice, and then jump back through. They might just make it back for breakfast!

When they explained to their parents why they had missed bedtime they didn’t believe them and sent them to the doctors for some mental health tests.

Christopher and Nelson didn’t jump into skips ever again.

Thanks to Lee for the image, who got it from here.