Archive for April, 2013

h1

Mutual Despair.

April 23, 2013

The harshest times can bring the greatest of enemies together. It was something Terry the mountain goat had seen scrawled on a napkin one time when he was drunk. In fact, he might have been the one that had written it. He couldn’t remember.

Regardless, one baffling summer, the words rung true for him.

Tiddles the cat was in a foul mood as always. It was mid July, and his name was still Tiddles. All the other cats relentlessly took the piss out of him for his stupid name.

“Tiddles!? That’s a right shit name!” they would say, inventively.

Tiddles knew he had a right shit name, but he hoped one day that he would wake up and be called ‘Dave’, or ‘Hansel’, or ‘Hulk Hogan’. Something ace like that. But today never seemed to be that day, and he secretly knew neither would tomorrow. So Tiddles was frequently super cheesed off about everything.

He hated all things, he even hated your face.

It should be noted that in the future it will snow in Summer, because the weather is already getting pretty messed up nowadays, so it can be assumed that nothing will make sense in about 20 years or so (that’s science). It should also be noted that this story takes place in the future.

It was a snowy summer day when Tiddles bumped into Terry. Terry had fallen out with his wife over whether or not they should tape Catchphrase. He was very upset because he had inevitably lost the dispute and would miss this week’s episode, so he had stepped outside to have a cry.

Tiddles was enraged.

“What are you doing crying out here again?! You stupid goat-sheep-man!” Tiddles had met Terry last week under similar circumstances and immediately decided that they should be Ultimate Enemies for no particular reason.

“Sh-she won’t let me tape Catchphrase! It’s a new series and I just want to see what it’s like!” Terry sniffled, a single tear descended down his cheek.

“I don’t care!” Tiddles screamed, “I’m called Tiddles! Do you know how that feels?! I have a stupid name!!”

They sobbed together for hours, all the pain and despair they felt about their respective predicaments howled through their bones and out into the crispy summer air.

Then suddenly, they stopped. Terry looked at Tiddles. Tiddles looked at Terry.

“Tiddles, I just remembered, I have magic horns. If you touch my horn and wish for a different name, it will be so.”

“You’d do that for me?” Tiddles’ face lit up. “Come to think of it, I have a VCR at my house, you can come ’round and tape Catchphrase there!”

And so, Tiddles (later to be renamed Hulk Hogan) jumped on Terry’s back and directed him to his home where they taped Catchphrase, and everyone was shockingly happy in the end.

To my house!

—————————

Thanks to Miriam for the image. I do not know where you found it.

h1

The Secret Love.

April 21, 2013

Bob was king of the rabbits, that was just the way it was. It had been that way since he could remember, and he could remember pretty far back. At least as far back as when Gary Barlow had blonde hair and Take That weren’t every mum’s favourite.

Consequently it came as a shock the day his throne was taken from him by his best friend, Cher the capybara. Cher had been his best friend and advisor since the days of Boyzone (King Bob tended to use boybands as a kind of chronological landmark). Cher had grown tired of Bob’s excessive foot tapping, digging and breeding, she felt it was destroying the kingdom and that she could do a better job.

There was only one thing to do. Cher wrote to Cilla Black and the next thing King Bob knew he was being dethroned via the medium of Surprise Surprise. Cilla raised an army and embarked on a lengthy campaign of war against King Bob, it lasted 2 whole series and gained the highest ratings ever for the show. It was not a very nice surprise at all for the king.

After his defeat the king leapt on his old friend’s nose and begged to know what all this was about.

Incredible emotion.

“What have I done wrong?!” he sobbed.
“You’ve been a right crap king, Bob,” Cher explained.
“I apologise, I had no idea! Why didn’t you tell me before? I would have changed it all for you…” Bob hesitated then, and took a breath.
“But why?” Cher whispered.
“Because I love you, you silly goose! I always have!”

This was pretty convenient, as Cher secretly loved him too, so they got married and ruled the kingdom fairly together for a thousand years.

Cilla doesn’t enter into wars lightly, and was well cheesed off about the whole affair.

—————-
Thanks to Amy for this one, not sure where you got it.