Archive for November, 2012


The Many Perils of Town.

November 29, 2012

They hadn’t seen each other in days. Weeks. Maybe even more than weeks. Hours.

It was in this time apart from his wife that Philip the lion learned  that life was a merciless and unfeeling onslaught of mishap after mishap.

He went to “The Argos”. They didn’t have even one of the toasters his wife had sent him to get. He didn’t know whether to get the slightly cheaper one that didn’t look as nice, it was only a toaster after all, but then, would she like it? He should check with her.

“I should check with her,” he said. But it sounded more like a roar, and everyone that was in Argos suddenly realised Philip was a lion, and they screamed and started running about.

Amidst the anarchy of frightened shoppers Philip attempted to call his wife, Macbeth, using his mobile phone. He hated his mobile phone, it was touch screen and didn’t really work with humongous claws. Eventually he managed to dial.

“Hello?” Macbeth’s voice was icy, she knew he had bollocksed it up.

“Hello. Um, they don’t have any of the toasters you wanted… what do you think of that cheaper one?”

“I can’t hear you, Phil! What’s all that screaming about?”

Philip hadn’t noticed the screaming. He looked up and immediately forgot about his phone call as he took in the scene of a mass of humans rushing around, shouting and smashing their own faces into open Argos catalogues in a state manic distress.

“Phil? Phil?!” Macbeth’s phone-based yells went unheard.

Philip decided that he should leave Argos, because everyone was mental, so he did.

His next stop was Greggs. They had those cheese pasties that he liked, and it was just before lunchtime so he could beat the queue. The hulking lion squeezed into the tiny Greggs and put his paws on the counter. Unfortunately, the woman behind the counter had noticed he was a lion and passed out before he’d managed to order.

“The is becoming a proper shit day,” Philip muttered to himself.

He awkwardly reversed his frame back out of Gregs, only to be greeted by an angry mob of idiots with pitchforks and Nerf guns. One person had a trowel. What a dick. What would he be able to do to a lion with a trowel? Arsehole.

Philip was only trying to go to the shops. He was very upset.

“I’m only trying to do some shopping!” Philip addressed the angry mob. “Why can’t you leave me alone?”

But all the people heard were roars that sounded like “I AM LION MAN. I AM GOING TO EAT YOU AND YOUR BABIES.” So they shouted and screamed and ran at Philip with their shit weapons and their shit faces, and Philip fled from them.

He fled out of town, out into the African plains. By this time the members of the mob had grown too fatigued to continue, and had gone back to buy 2 for 1 offers at Tesco.

Philip trudged back home, tired, panting. And there was Macbeth. She looked up from her copy of Fifty Shades of Grey and frowned, but then saw the state he was in. She pounced on his head and have him a massive hug.

“I was worried about you!” she cooed.

“I was worried about me! Everyone was crazy in town! They had weapons and kept shouting at me!” Philip grunted from beneath his wife.

“And that, dear husband, is why we should only shop online, like I said!”

So they never went into town again.


Thank you to the lovely Tim for the image, I presume he got it from The Sun, because he’s like that.