Archive for December, 2011

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Animal on Animal Christmas Spectacular – Looking for Santa.

December 22, 2011

Larry was a fearsome polar bear. Once, he had eaten a whole footlong Subway sandwich. A whole one. No messing about with that six inch shit.

He enjoyed stalking about in the snow and high fiving the neighbourhood snowmen (he often referred to them as his “snowmies”, which they weren’t hugely fond of, but given his fearsome polar bearness, they didn’t say anything to him). Other things he enjoyed included:

  • Driving sports cars.
  • Watching ice hockey.
  • Drinking scotch.
  • Playing the harp.
  • Fluffy¬†pyjamas.

It was a cold evening in December, when Larry was out looking for a good place to wear his new pyjamas, that he came upon a pretty cool looking husky attached to a chain (the chain made him look extra cool). Intrigued, Larry approached the creature.

After being asked his name, and how he had come to be attached to the ground via the medium of a chain, the husky explained that he was called Delilah, and that he had been sent out to look for Santa in the wilderness. Sadly he had come upon an a disgruntled elf who had told him to bugger off and had then chained him to the ground.

‘That’s not on,’ Larry decided. ‘Would you like me to go give that disgruntled elf a good kicking?’

‘Yes please,’ Delilah replied.

‘You can come with me. We will kick him good, together.’

At this Delilah leapt for joy and gave Larry a hug (and a cheeky kiss on the cheek, even though they had only just met and it was a bit inappropriate at that stage).

Larry was as good as his word, and freed his new friend. Together, they found that disgruntled elf and gave him the Christmas gift of an arse kicking. And then they went off into the wilderness, to find Santa. It was the best Christmas ever.

Thanks to myself for finding this image, I got it from here.

MERRY CHRISTMAS to all the lovely Animal on Animal readers out there, thank you for your contributions throughout the year and possibly damaging your eyesight by reading the stories. You are real troopers. See you soon for the New Year round up!

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The Legendary Strawberry.

December 2, 2011

There was once a Legendary Strawberry. It was said that it had the power to grant whoever kissed it with immortality, for the rest of their lives.

Steven and Barry were two young good for nothings. They hung about the streets of Tortoise Town, drinking cider, playing dice, and getting into trouble with the law.

One day, in a game of cards, they won a mysterious, tea-stained map. Scrawled in archaic lettering at the top were the words “Legendary Strawberry – Aww Yeah”, and below was an erratic line leading to a promising looking cross.

Realising that they had found the route to immortality (for the rest of their lives), excitement gripped the pair in a crunchy vice of excitedness. They set off immediately on the trail, hoping to get back in time for Bullseye on Challenge TV that night.

After about half an hour, Steve was so tired that he asked Barry to carry him. Barry was not hugely pleased by this, but since they were buddies he thought it would be the right thing to do. Besides, he would be owed a piggy-back, which was always a good thing to have in the bank.

By around 7pm they found themselves atop a mighty hill, staring at the Legendary Strawberry, exactly where the map had it marked. The thrill of standing before such a luscious fruity legend made Barry drop the map, it floated away on the wind, like a feather, except it was a map.

‘Kiss it!’ Barry yelled up to Steve (not noticing the map had flown away).

Steve did as he was bid, and a fruity pink haze descended over him.

‘My turn!’ Barry shouted, despite Steve clearly being within normal talking to people range.

He leapt up and gave the strawberry an excellent smooch, knocking Steve off his back in the process. The same fruity haze enveloped him.

Everything was good for about five minutes. They celebrated their strawberry-based gift by dancing about and high-fiving and all sorts of other cool stuff, but when they turned to go home and catch Bullseye they realised the map had gone.

‘Bollocks.’ Barry said.

With no way of finding a way home without the map, they elected to live within the strawberry for eternity. They had long and happy lives, dying at the ripe old age of 82 (Steve) and 82 and one day (Barry).

Many thanks to the lovely Kieren for this, who got it from here.