Posts Tagged ‘turtle’

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Journey Across the Manly Sea.

June 7, 2012

The journey was long, but they knew that had to take it. Their wives had caught them watching Bridget Jones and eating ice cream. It was time for them to leave, to voyage out across the Manly Sea, and to find the gruff hairy man inside them.

Dilbert was a bird, or at least, he assumed he was a bird. What would the bill and wings be for otherwise? He wasn’t entirely sure what kind of bird he was, he just knew he wasn’t a sparrow, or an ostrich.

George was a turtle. He wanted to be a Ninja Turtle when he was small, but he discovered quite quickly that he wasn’t good enough at kicking people in the face in a stealthy fashion so had to settle for just being a normal turtle. It still kept him up some nights.

The pair said goodbye to their respective wives, to ice cream, and to their Bridget Jones VHS tape, and set out on their perilous journey of manliness.

The day started well. The Manly Sea was calm, and so were they, until they saw The Island (not the film). Excited, they swam over to The Island, hoping to find manly stuff, like beer, and hairy legs. There was nothing on the shore, not even a moustache, but Dilbert and George walked up the beach regardless, assuming that manliness would be found further in.

Pushing through the overgrown trees they found themselves stood in front of a small pink house.

“Doesn’t look very manly,” George grunted.

“Maybe it’s a trick. Like a test to see if we’re comfortable enough with ourselves to go into a pink house,” Dilbert offered.

“Okay, let’s try it.”

They cautiously edged through the door and turned on the lights to discover a hugely feminine living room, with an excessive amount of cushions (so many as to make it actually less comfortable because there was no space for sitting down). The fridge was full of ice cream, and the VHS collection included such classics as BOTH Bridget Jones films, and Notting Hill. Dilbert and George looked at each other, baffled. It was their dream house. So they watched the films, they ate the ice cream, and they sailed back home during the night, thoroughly happy yet confused as to how this constituted manliness.

Their wives were waiting for them on their home shore, looking quite angry, and getting angrier still as their husbands explained how it had gone.

“You went the wrong bloody way!” Alice (Dilbert’s wife) interrupted, and pointed in the opposite direction to which they had sailed, “It’s that way!”

“Shit,” Dilbert said, and headed back to the sea, “I guess we best try again, then.”

And so they set sail, in the same direction they had gone earlier, and high fived as their wives shouted for them to turn the other way.

Thanks to Dannie for the image, which is from here.

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The Legendary Strawberry.

December 2, 2011

There was once a Legendary Strawberry. It was said that it had the power to grant whoever kissed it with immortality, for the rest of their lives.

Steven and Barry were two young good for nothings. They hung about the streets of Tortoise Town, drinking cider, playing dice, and getting into trouble with the law.

One day, in a game of cards, they won a mysterious, tea-stained map. Scrawled in archaic lettering at the top were the words “Legendary Strawberry – Aww Yeah”, and below was an erratic line leading to a promising looking cross.

Realising that they had found the route to immortality (for the rest of their lives), excitement gripped the pair in a crunchy vice of excitedness. They set off immediately on the trail, hoping to get back in time for Bullseye on Challenge TV that night.

After about half an hour, Steve was so tired that he asked Barry to carry him. Barry was not hugely pleased by this, but since they were buddies he thought it would be the right thing to do. Besides, he would be owed a piggy-back, which was always a good thing to have in the bank.

By around 7pm they found themselves atop a mighty hill, staring at the Legendary Strawberry, exactly where the map had it marked. The thrill of standing before such a luscious fruity legend made Barry drop the map, it floated away on the wind, like a feather, except it was a map.

‘Kiss it!’ Barry yelled up to Steve (not noticing the map had flown away).

Steve did as he was bid, and a fruity pink haze descended over him.

‘My turn!’ Barry shouted, despite Steve clearly being within normal talking to people range.

He leapt up and gave the strawberry an excellent smooch, knocking Steve off his back in the process. The same fruity haze enveloped him.

Everything was good for about five minutes. They celebrated their strawberry-based gift by dancing about and high-fiving and all sorts of other cool stuff, but when they turned to go home and catch Bullseye they realised the map had gone.

‘Bollocks.’ Barry said.

With no way of finding a way home without the map, they elected to live within the strawberry for eternity. They had long and happy lives, dying at the ripe old age of 82 (Steve) and 82 and one day (Barry).

Many thanks to the lovely Kieren for this, who got it from here.

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The Glue Monster.

September 26, 2011

The worst thing about putting glue on your fins and then patting your friends on the back is your flipper becomes glued to your friend’s back. This is what Thomas, Percy, and James discovered to their surprise just last week.

Nobody was sure how they got the glue, perhaps it washed up on the shore thanks to the Disgraceful Behaviour of Humans (DBH)? But my God, their respective mothers were not pleased. For the next week each mother had to have enough food in for three hungry turtles! Each night the “Glue Monster” (as the kids had dubbed themselves) went to each of their mother’s houses, and each wanted to be fed every time! It was outrageous. Some would say this was greedy of them, and those people would be right.

Little does James know, but his mum took the food costs directly out of his university fund, so he is destined for a call centre. That’ll teach him.

After the week was up the glue seemed to loosen and they freed themselves by playing a tug of war game in the park. Most people thought Thomas would win and put down £5 bets to prove it, but in the end nobody won as the glue snapped and all the turtles fell over at the same time. It was comedic, but angry gamblers don’t tend to care for comedy and so there was a lot of shouting and threats until they were refunded.

After the partially traumatic event the turtles all ran home, only to be grounded as soon as they got there for “Shitting about with glue.”

From then on they never even used Pritt Stick.

Thanks to Dannie for the image, which was obviously from here.

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The Disgraced Ski Instructor.

January 19, 2011

Sorry for the delay in getting back into this, I should imagine you have been baying wildly into the night sky waiting for the next fantastic Animal on Animal post. Well, bay no more, you strange person, here is a post for you.

Professor McJonasbrothers was an accomplished ski instructor, respected in his field (which you couldn’t see because it was covered with snow*), and loved by his students. The latter was what got him arrested.

*a hilarious joke

Disgraced by his exploits, the Official Council To Outright Properly Unify Stuff Encompassing Skiing (or OCTOPUSES) banished him from places with snow for the foreseeable future.

Devastated, Professor McJonasbrothers exiled himself to Africa to help him forget about his past. He was truly sorry for what he’d done. Deep down he was a good tortoise, but he had been watching far too many soaps which had warped his view of the world to the point where he thought it was perfectly acceptable to behave like a right bastard.

Now he saw the error of his ways.

One day, in Africa, he was sat on a log contemplating his stupidity and all that he had lost, when suddenly three butterflies appeared. They all introduced themselves, and Professor McJonasbrothers was very happy to meet them. He told them of his story and how he came to be there.

The butterflies didn’t care much for his story, they were adventurers, and they wanted to sail the seas and get drunk and dig for stuff on islands. The three of them were very persuasive and managed to convince the Professor to be their boat.

And so the troupe of new companions set out to sea. It is said that they discovered the Ilse of Wight.

Please be aware this image is copyright of Byron Yu. (Byron, if you want this image off the site please let me know, I can’t afford to pay you any money). It is from National Geographic, and was discovered by Tom. Thanks Tom.

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Video Thrills.

August 24, 2010

It’s video time again at Animal on Animal. Tortoises seem to be the preferred animal to be on when it comes to other animals travelling.

WARNING: The music is very annoying.

So yes, a lazy flipping cat using a tortoise to ferry it about. Not exactly heart warming, but that’s life I guess.

As a side note, the well of images I have is starting to look a little unhealthy, so if you come across any Animals on Animals please send them here (link on the right).

Cheers to Sawan for this. He got it from that Youtube place.

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AoA video blowout!

May 26, 2010

Oh my good shitting Lord. It’s video time again, folks.

Neither of these are properly “Animal on Animal” as far as whatever rules I’m pretending to follow go. I’ve put them both up in one post in the hopes you may overlook this and continue to be my friend and/or lover.

Here is the first video:

Personally, I don’t know what a Roomba is (I don’t read stuff, just like you’re not reading this), but it seems to be a magical robot vacuuming machine man. Technically not an animal, but kind of an animal if you lie to yourself.

Thanks to Chris, taken from here.

Here’s another one:

This one is worryingly close to the rude kind of animal on animal, which bothers me. They are doing the animal equivalent of kissing (often referred to as “licking”) and are quite close to each other.

I can’t tell if they’re definitely “on” each other and daren’t play the video for too long in case I get arrested, so I’ll never find out.

Thanks to Sawan for this, I don’t really want to ask how he found it.

Sorry about this update everyone.

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The next level!

May 11, 2010

I’ve been sent this three times now, so I thought I’d put it up before anyone else sent me it. The credit list is simply getting too long. I can’t handle this.

That aside, we have another amazing evolution of the Animal on Animal empire in this very post: motion pictues! Watch as this dog rides on this tortoise:

This video business… It’s like waking up on a sunny morning, birds singing, love heart balloons everywhere, coffee on your bedside table, and then being kissed by a man with a moustache.

It’s a revelation.

Thank you to Robert, Sawan and Will for sending this in, I have no tossing clue where it originated.