Posts Tagged ‘zoo’

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The Mysterious Note.

January 29, 2014

“Find me when you wake up.”

It was scrawled on a crumpled up piece of paper Alfonso had in his pocket. He frowned again as his beady-bird eyes slowly drifted over the faded characters on the page, his brain assigning the groups of abstract shapes the sounds in his head that made them into words of the English language.

Who was it from?

Alfonso pocketed the note, for perhaps the fiftieth time since he had found it this morning, and took to the skies to clear his head. His tiny wings flapped frantically to draw him into the air. His shoulders ached. Actually, his whole body ached. He felt liked he had been punched right up the arse by someone with shovels sellotaped to their fists.

“I shouldn’t have drunk that bottle of Southern Comfort last night,” he mused as he looked down at all the people below.

Which one of them had written him that note? Which of those tiny bastards was responsible for this confusion?

Alfonso’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he drifted down to alight on a stone pillar in the city below. It was a text. The text said this:

DID U GT MY MSG?

It said that because it was 1998 and everyone wrote texts like that for fear of sending two messages and it costing them an extra ten pence for the sake of one lousy letter.

The number the frugal-minded message was from was not in Alfonso’s address book, so he texted back:

YES WHO R U?

The reply said this:

MEET @ ZOO LOL

Alfonso wasn’t sure what a “zoo lol” was, so he headed over to the regular zoo in the hopes it would be the same thing. Luckily, it was, he could tell by the fact that someone in the camel enclosure was calling his name and waving and sometimes saying “Coo-eee!”

The increasingly confused bird shuffled over to the source of the sound; a cheerful looking camel with a red harness around her muzzle. The camel was very pleased to see Alfonso.

“Hi Alfonso! I’m very pleased to see you!” The camel said, which proves the previous sentence was not a lie.

“Who are  you?! How do you know who I am?! What is going on?!” Alfonso collapsed on the ground and sobbed like he did when Mufasa died.

“Don’t cry. Jump on my head and I’ll tell you what happened.”

Alfonso hopped onto the camel’s head, and she whispered this:

“My name is Elizabeth, and I am your wife. You got really drunk last night and called me nasty names, so I sellotaped shovels to my fists and punched you right up the arse so hard that it erased your memory, and the address book on your phone. I think it even erased your email accounts. It was the best punch I have ever done, and you bloody deserved it, you IDIOT FACE.”

Alfonso was very shocked to hear this, but of course it all made perfect sense. He was an idiot face. This had happened before.

“How can I make it up to you Elizabeth?” Alfonso whimpered.

“There is only one way to make it up to me: Build me a house made out of your tears.”

And he did just that, and never drank a whole bottle of Southern Comfort again.

Apologies.

 

Thanks to Dannie for the image, who got it from the usual place.

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The great email quest.

March 25, 2011

Welcome to Animal on Animal SERIES TWO, £16.99 in store at HMV, but only £9.99 online. WHY?!

Sandy the monkey and Bertolli the warthog were on a mission. They had been sent an email that morning that said if they didn’t tell 100 people that they loved them by midnight, everyone on Earth would explode.

It was too horrible to imagine.

Why the responsibility had fallen to them, they did not know. What they did know, however, was that they didn’t want to sit back and let everyone on Earth explode, especially Auntie Mavis (she was ace).

They cleverly broke out of the zoo by asking if they could go out to the shops for a bit and buy a Snickers each, to which the zoo keeper agreed on the condition that they buy him one.

It was then that they went running through the streets baying like lunatics, screaming desperately at anyone who would listen, telling everyone and everything in earshot how much they loved them.

After about an hour of this they reached their target of a hundred, and saved mankind. Sighing in relief, the pair walked steadily back to the zoo, understandibly pleased with themselves and their heroics.

It was when they were sat back in their cage and the zoo keeper came up to them that they realised they had forgotten to by any Snickers.

‘Oh, bother.’ Bertolli said, glumly.

Sandy and the zoo keeper agreed.

Thanks to Joe for the image.

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A bird on a hippo.

February 8, 2010

This is a special one, as the point of contact is concealed by that liquid stuff that some animals live in, but here is a bird on a hippo.

Here is a description of the image from the man that took it:

First we have Bird on Hippopotamus. Unfortunately the crucial point of cross-species contact is obscured by the water but any fool can see that the bird is indeed on the back of the hippopotamus. I cannot offer more info on what species the bird is; this is left as an exercise for the photo recipient.

There you go. You’ll notice he starts off with “first”. That’s because he sent me MORE THAN ONE. The thrill was unbearable. I’ll be putting his other one up at a later date in order to lessen the unbearable thrill for the rest of you.
Thanks Craig.