Posts Tagged ‘summer’

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Mutual Despair.

April 23, 2013

The harshest times can bring the greatest of enemies together. It was something Terry the mountain goat had seen scrawled on a napkin one time when he was drunk. In fact, he might have been the one that had written it. He couldn’t remember.

Regardless, one baffling summer, the words rung true for him.

Tiddles the cat was in a foul mood as always. It was mid July, and his name was still Tiddles. All the other cats relentlessly took the piss out of him for his stupid name.

“Tiddles!? That’s a right shit name!” they would say, inventively.

Tiddles knew he had a right shit name, but he hoped one day that he would wake up and be called ‘Dave’, or ‘Hansel’, or ‘Hulk Hogan’. Something ace like that. But today never seemed to be that day, and he secretly knew neither would tomorrow. So Tiddles was frequently super cheesed off about everything.

He hated all things, he even hated your face.

It should be noted that in the future it will snow in Summer, because the weather is already getting pretty messed up nowadays, so it can be assumed that nothing will make sense in about 20 years or so (that’s science). It should also be noted that this story takes place in the future.

It was a snowy summer day when Tiddles bumped into Terry. Terry had fallen out with his wife over whether or not they should tape Catchphrase. He was very upset because he had inevitably lost the dispute and would miss this week’s episode, so he had stepped outside to have a cry.

Tiddles was enraged.

“What are you doing crying out here again?! You stupid goat-sheep-man!” Tiddles had met Terry last week under similar circumstances and immediately decided that they should be Ultimate Enemies for no particular reason.

“Sh-she won’t let me tape Catchphrase! It’s a new series and I just want to see what it’s like!” Terry sniffled, a single tear descended down his cheek.

“I don’t care!” Tiddles screamed, “I’m called Tiddles! Do you know how that feels?! I have a stupid name!!”

They sobbed together for hours, all the pain and despair they felt about their respective predicaments howled through their bones and out into the crispy summer air.

Then suddenly, they stopped. Terry looked at Tiddles. Tiddles looked at Terry.

“Tiddles, I just remembered, I have magic horns. If you touch my horn and wish for a different name, it will be so.”

“You’d do that for me?” Tiddles’ face lit up. “Come to think of it, I have a VCR at my house, you can come ’round and tape Catchphrase there!”

And so, Tiddles (later to be renamed Hulk Hogan) jumped on Terry’s back and directed him to his home where they taped Catchphrase, and everyone was shockingly happy in the end.

To my house!

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Thanks to Miriam for the image. I do not know where you found it.

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Polar bear pile-up.

March 29, 2011

Since we’re all starting to feel summery at the moment I thought it would be a good idea to think about Winter, and the cold, lest we get too happy.

Mark, Luke, and John were polar bears, and they liked to run really fast. Rather than race, their favourite thing was to follow each other closely, in formation. They would set up obstacle courses made of snow, and dash through them at breakneck speed (for a polar bear at least, they weren’t Ferraris).

It started out as a bit of fun, but then they saw Britain’s Got Talent and it became serious business. They wanted nothing more than to get on that show and become famous (in their naivety they did not realise that the show was actually a right sack of crap), so they trained hard every day. It was in these intense training sessions that Mark (the leader because he was the oldest and had collected all the Pokemon before anyone else) developed narcolepsy. A terrible affliction that somehow manages to be cute when applied to polar bears.

He kept suddenly falling asleep during the trio’s runs, resulting in a polar bear pile-up.

After a few attempts, Luke and John decided that they couldn’t be arsed to be on rubbish Britain’s Got Talent anyway, and went to sleep as well. Mark didn’t mind, it was more fun in the old days anyway.

Thanks to Tom for the image, not sure where he got it from.

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The Cat who Loved Ice.

November 5, 2010

Hilda was a cat, and the thing that Hilda loved most was ice. She loved the Winter and how everything went cold and how all the people would slip around and fall over. Not only was it hilarious, but she also found it was an opportune time to steal their wallets. Hilda used the stolen money to buy Vanilla Ice CDs and memorabilia. She liked that bit in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 where Vanilla Ice was in it, and she had that on DVD. She liked to put ice in all her drinks, even red wine, she was a bit mental like that.

The short version of the above story is that Hilda liked ice, loads and loads.

Hilda lived with a dog called Alfredo the Third. Alfredo the Third didn’t like anything much, but he did like Hilda, so he just did what she did. They want abseiling once on one of those pretend walls. Alfredo the Third didn’t like it because he was scared of heights, and of being attached to ropes, and of wearing protective helmets.

One time Hilda had a particularly severe craving for ice during the Summer, so she asked Alfredo the Third if she could stand on his back and nick some from the freezer. Of course her long time companion agreed, and below we see them in the act of pilfering the ice:

After Hilda had stolen enough money from helpless people falling over, she booked a flight and she and Alfredo the Third both moved to Iceland and bought Parkas. It was flipping ace for all concerned (except the victims of crime), though Alfredo the Third didn’t enjoy it as much as Hilda because he was just like that.

Thanks to Sawan for the image, no idea where he got it from (let me know if you own it and I’ll link over to you, please don’t shout at me).