Posts Tagged ‘snow’

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Mutual Despair.

April 23, 2013

The harshest times can bring the greatest of enemies together. It was something Terry the mountain goat had seen scrawled on a napkin one time when he was drunk. In fact, he might have been the one that had written it. He couldn’t remember.

Regardless, one baffling summer, the words rung true for him.

Tiddles the cat was in a foul mood as always. It was mid July, and his name was still Tiddles. All the other cats relentlessly took the piss out of him for his stupid name.

“Tiddles!? That’s a right shit name!” they would say, inventively.

Tiddles knew he had a right shit name, but he hoped one day that he would wake up and be called ‘Dave’, or ‘Hansel’, or ‘Hulk Hogan’. Something ace like that. But today never seemed to be that day, and he secretly knew neither would tomorrow. So Tiddles was frequently super cheesed off about everything.

He hated all things, he even hated your face.

It should be noted that in the future it will snow in Summer, because the weather is already getting pretty messed up nowadays, so it can be assumed that nothing will make sense in about 20 years or so (that’s science). It should also be noted that this story takes place in the future.

It was a snowy summer day when Tiddles bumped into Terry. Terry had fallen out with his wife over whether or not they should tape Catchphrase. He was very upset because he had inevitably lost the dispute and would miss this week’s episode, so he had stepped outside to have a cry.

Tiddles was enraged.

“What are you doing crying out here again?! You stupid goat-sheep-man!” Tiddles had met Terry last week under similar circumstances and immediately decided that they should be Ultimate Enemies for no particular reason.

“Sh-she won’t let me tape Catchphrase! It’s a new series and I just want to see what it’s like!” Terry sniffled, a single tear descended down his cheek.

“I don’t care!” Tiddles screamed, “I’m called Tiddles! Do you know how that feels?! I have a stupid name!!”

They sobbed together for hours, all the pain and despair they felt about their respective predicaments howled through their bones and out into the crispy summer air.

Then suddenly, they stopped. Terry looked at Tiddles. Tiddles looked at Terry.

“Tiddles, I just remembered, I have magic horns. If you touch my horn and wish for a different name, it will be so.”

“You’d do that for me?” Tiddles’ face lit up. “Come to think of it, I have a VCR at my house, you can come ’round and tape Catchphrase there!”

And so, Tiddles (later to be renamed Hulk Hogan) jumped on Terry’s back and directed him to his home where they taped Catchphrase, and everyone was shockingly happy in the end.

To my house!

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Thanks to Miriam for the image. I do not know where you found it.

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Polar bear pile-up.

March 29, 2011

Since we’re all starting to feel summery at the moment I thought it would be a good idea to think about Winter, and the cold, lest we get too happy.

Mark, Luke, and John were polar bears, and they liked to run really fast. Rather than race, their favourite thing was to follow each other closely, in formation. They would set up obstacle courses made of snow, and dash through them at breakneck speed (for a polar bear at least, they weren’t Ferraris).

It started out as a bit of fun, but then they saw Britain’s Got Talent and it became serious business. They wanted nothing more than to get on that show and become famous (in their naivety they did not realise that the show was actually a right sack of crap), so they trained hard every day. It was in these intense training sessions that Mark (the leader because he was the oldest and had collected all the Pokemon before anyone else) developed narcolepsy. A terrible affliction that somehow manages to be cute when applied to polar bears.

He kept suddenly falling asleep during the trio’s runs, resulting in a polar bear pile-up.

After a few attempts, Luke and John decided that they couldn’t be arsed to be on rubbish Britain’s Got Talent anyway, and went to sleep as well. Mark didn’t mind, it was more fun in the old days anyway.

Thanks to Tom for the image, not sure where he got it from.

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Late Mother’s Day special.

March 16, 2010

It was Mother’s Day in the UK (which is probably where mothers were invented) on Sunday, so this post is in honour of all that NONSENSE.

The story today is likely to be a bit shit, so I’m giving you two photos for the price of one. The price, incidentally, is no pounds.

Terry the baby polar bear and his mum, Hagrid, went out shopping. It’s quite hard to go shopping in the Arctic because there are no shops, but they somehow managed to buy a bottle of wine and a Fruit Shoot.

Terry was thrilled to have a Fruit Shoot, because it made him feel like one of those kids off the telly that didn’t live in the flipping Arctic. He guzzled it down happily while his mum drank the bottle of wine.

Sadly, in no time at all she had finished the wine and was quite drunk. She kept telling Terry about how much she loved him, and that dad would be back soon. She did this every Mother’s Day.

Eventually she passed out hugging Terry tightly, so he couldn’t escape.

He couldn’t get out until the next day.

Thanks to Miriam for these pics, she got them from here.

Also, you may have noticed I’m updating this around midweek once a week at the moment, this practice is likely to continue for the time being.