Posts Tagged ‘prison’


The Panda Bandits.

July 23, 2012

The rickety old plane shook as it was assaulted  by the turbulent northern winds. A biplane was no place for the Panda Bandits (George, Bill, and Horace), but after robbing the National Bank of Scarborough they found it was the only vehicle in the car park.

“Maybe we should have organised some kind of getaway car instead of going to Pizza Hut?” Bill suggested as he surveyed the car park.

His fellow bandits scowled and motioned for him to follow them as they dashed towards the plane. They had had this argument before the robbery. There was no time to do both, they had to either get a car, or go to Pizza Hut. Pizza Hut was their choice, they were hungry for cheese and bread and things of that nature. They would work out the vehicle situation later. And so, here they were, stuck with a biplane. Stupid flipping pandas.

With only two seats, it was a tight squeeze for the three endangered thieves, yet they had all managed to fit after it was decided that Bill would have to sit on Horace’s lap because George was the boss. Despite the standard issue flight training which all pandas receive in their teens, George’s piloting skills were a bit rusty as he was out of practice (which he neglected to explain when he proclaimed himself pilot). So they ended up doing something that looked a bit like this:

It was a right balls up. The trio fell from their seats while upside down. They screamed as they fell. They screamed like terrified stupid bandit pandas falling at speed from an aeroplane, because they were.

Assuming they were falling to their death, George said:


But luckily they landed in an unrealistically soft tree, which broke their fall instead of their bones. So that was good.

George felt embarrassed about his previous panicked shouting. He wished it hadn’t been in capitals. He wished he hadn’t said “buggery balls”. It was going to be a while before he lived this down.

“Ay! You blokes!” a voice came from the ground below. It was a policeman with a massive moustache. My God. That moustache was inspiringly large. It would put even the greatest of men to shame.

“You blokes!” he continued “Are you those nasty Panda Bandits that just robbed the National Bank of Scarborough?”

“No officer! Not us!” the nasty Panda Bandits that just robbed The National Bank of Scarborough said in unison.

But then a massive bag of money fell from the sky and landed next to the police man and his astonishing moustache.

“You’re bloody lying, you flipping panda dickheads!” the policeman was not pleased, so he threw a net over the pandas and took them to prison where they learnt to make cakes for Gordon Ramsey like on the telly.


Thanks to Tim for the panda image, I dunno where he got it from.

Thanks to myself for the image of a Fokker plane, I got it from here.

Thanks to you, for reading this crap.


Beverly and the goat.

June 1, 2010

Beverly was a small dog, she couldn’t run very fast because of a go-karting injury several years ago, and she was getting on a bit. She longed to go into town and see what exciting electronic devices Dixons were selling these days, but because of her ailments she had to sit inside and watch the shopping channels on the television instead.

The trouble with the shopping channels were that they were so effective! She had already bought a vacuum cleaner with a smiley face on it, hair straighteners that she didn’t need, and a knitting kit with an instructional DVD that she’d never use. She daren’t watch the television any more just in case she bought anything more elaborate.

Life was becoming empty. She reminisced about her wild younger days, when she went to Dixons several times a week. Oh, how she longed for the excitement of the past.

One day, her owners brought home a gigantic stuffed creature that might have been a goat at one time. Beverly studied it for a while before getting an idea. She would ride it to Dixons!

So she attached wheels to it using her excellent DIY skills and rode it to Dixons. When she got there she stole 3 laptops, and a 50” HD TV.

She was arrested and sent down for 2 years.

But she bloody loved every second of it.

Cheers for the pic, Karl.