Posts Tagged ‘humour’

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The Christmas Dragon Fox Mix-up.

December 11, 2013

It was Christmas. Well not bang on Christmas, it was December and it was snowing, so it was pretty much Christmas. It looked like one of those Christmas cards you get where some kids have made a snowman and there are robins and stuff like that.

It was “Christmas time”. There we go.

Barnabus was a fox, and a bloody good one at that. He did all sorts of regular fox-based things such as knitting and dropkicks to the face, and he was ranked World #2 Maypole Dancer for three years in a row during the late 90s.

On this particular morning Barnabus was watching the news, which went along the lines of “Oh my God you guys, it is December and it is really cold and snowing, let’s all mass-panic as though this is a unique occurrence. All of the trains are crying and don’t work, look at this traffic jam, here is a man with a spade, here is some ice on a car in a person’s driveway, children are wearing gloves, we’re all going to die.” After having his fill of hysteria, Barnabus decided to go for a morning walk in the country.

The air was crisp and cold, and his breath plumed out from his mouth in little clouds like he was a dragon, he smiled at this and gave a little “roar”.

“Holy crap!” A frightened yelp came from a nearby bush, “Are you a dragon?! You sound like a dragon.”

Barnabus raised an eyebrow at the bush, puzzled, and took a step forward in efforts to investigate.

“Don’t you come any closer!” Said the bush. “I know your game, you’re going to toast me up good and eat me! You flipping dragon!”

“I’m not a dragon. Honest. I’m a fox. Check out my excellent knitting.” Barnabus took a scarf he was working on out of his standard issue fox rucksack and held it up to the bush. “You don’t see excellent knitting like this from dragons, do you?”

There was no response from the bush.

Cautiously, Barnabus slid a little closer. A silent moment passed, as though the bush was thinking, and then suddenly the bush blurred into the form of a leaping dog that filled Barnabus’ vision. Before he knew it he was slammed to the ground, his quality knitting strewn about in the snow.

The dog stared down at him, sniffing and gulping for air after its exertion.

“Are you a bush or a dog?” A slightly startled Barnabus asked.

“I’m a dog,” said the dog. “The bush was just my Halloween costume. Are you really a fox? I thought you might be a dragon dressed as a fox.”

“I’m a fox. I promise. I didn’t even do Halloween this year, it’s getting too commercial.”

The dog took his paws off Barnabus and looked around sheepishly.

“I’m sorry for pinning you down. I always get paranoid around Christmas what with all the scary dragons about. One of them bit my tail last year, it was awful.”

“That’s okay, they freak me out as well, my name’s Barnabus by the way, Barnabus the Fox.” Barnabus gave a little smile as he picked himself up.

The dog smiled back, “I’m Joseph. Nice to meet you. Listen, I’m really sorry about all that back there. Since I pinned you, it would make me feel much better if you pinned me back, would you do that for me? Call it a Christmas gift if you like.”

And so, Barnabus pinned Joseph, and the traditional family pastime of having a brutal wrestling match each year at Christmas was born.

foxDog

Animal on Animal wishes you a reasonably good Christmas.

Many thanks to Brett for sending this over, who got it from here.

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The Horrible Degu Experiments.

February 1, 2013

It was many years ago now. Long before that fashionable decade of the 80s that everyone seems to be obsessed with these days. Science was being pushed forward by highly trained maniacs with beards and crazy drugs. A new experiment was proposed: “The Amazing Fuse Us Together With Magical Witchcraft Business” it was called, or TAFUTWMWB for short.

The idea was to fuse the minds and bodies of multiple beings into one larger being, for no good reason.

An international bulletin was put out, “Sign up for excellent science experiments and become well famous, yeah?” it read.¬† A troupe of eight degus (who were close friends already) answered the call.

Nobody truly knew why they signed up for it, perhaps they were mental? Perhaps it was peer pressure? Perhaps they just wanted to be famous and get loads of money but didn’t really know the true gravity of trying to fuse eight degus into one being?

It was all over the newspapers, on the 16th page. Pictures of the brave degus wearing sponsored trainers and going to the latest movie premières, hanging out with celebrity imbeciles on rooftop terraces. For a few months, they lived the hollow high life that so many of us ache for (thanks to excellent television programming where people sing and become famous for a week and then swiftly become ridiculed by millions).

But then the experiments began. The horrible experiments. They were forced to eat crackers without cheese. They were forced to go to pubs but only drink juice. And then they were strapped to tables and zapped with laser beams.

After a year of torture, the experiment was declared a failure. Instead of fusing the poor degus into one being, they had simply gotten really sweaty and started sticking to each other:

degu

So the scientists were all shot.

Thanks to Craig (submitter) and Heather (possibly photographer, possibly just the person that sent it to Craig, nobody can remember).