Posts Tagged ‘goat’

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Mutual Despair.

April 23, 2013

The harshest times can bring the greatest of enemies together. It was something Terry the mountain goat had seen scrawled on a napkin one time when he was drunk. In fact, he might have been the one that had written it. He couldn’t remember.

Regardless, one baffling summer, the words rung true for him.

Tiddles the cat was in a foul mood as always. It was mid July, and his name was still Tiddles. All the other cats relentlessly took the piss out of him for his stupid name.

“Tiddles!? That’s a right shit name!” they would say, inventively.

Tiddles knew he had a right shit name, but he hoped one day that he would wake up and be called ‘Dave’, or ‘Hansel’, or ‘Hulk Hogan’. Something ace like that. But today never seemed to be that day, and he secretly knew neither would tomorrow. So Tiddles was frequently super cheesed off about everything.

He hated all things, he even hated your face.

It should be noted that in the future it will snow in Summer, because the weather is already getting pretty messed up nowadays, so it can be assumed that nothing will make sense in about 20 years or so (that’s science). It should also be noted that this story takes place in the future.

It was a snowy summer day when Tiddles bumped into Terry. Terry had fallen out with his wife over whether or not they should tape Catchphrase. He was very upset because he had inevitably lost the dispute and would miss this week’s episode, so he had stepped outside to have a cry.

Tiddles was enraged.

“What are you doing crying out here again?! You stupid goat-sheep-man!” Tiddles had met Terry last week under similar circumstances and immediately decided that they should be Ultimate Enemies for no particular reason.

“Sh-she won’t let me tape Catchphrase! It’s a new series and I just want to see what it’s like!” Terry sniffled, a single tear descended down his cheek.

“I don’t care!” Tiddles screamed, “I’m called Tiddles! Do you know how that feels?! I have a stupid name!!”

They sobbed together for hours, all the pain and despair they felt about their respective predicaments howled through their bones and out into the crispy summer air.

Then suddenly, they stopped. Terry looked at Tiddles. Tiddles looked at Terry.

“Tiddles, I just remembered, I have magic horns. If you touch my horn and wish for a different name, it will be so.”

“You’d do that for me?” Tiddles’ face lit up. “Come to think of it, I have a VCR at my house, you can come ’round and tape Catchphrase there!”

And so, Tiddles (later to be renamed Hulk Hogan) jumped on Terry’s back and directed him to his home where they taped Catchphrase, and everyone was shockingly happy in the end.

To my house!

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Thanks to Miriam for the image. I do not know where you found it.

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Goats can be dicks.

August 10, 2010

Today’s image is small, but it does the job.

This one features a goat standing on the most horrible and terrifying animal of them all, MAN (that is “man” in the old style way of saying it, and thus includes the ladies, don’t think you’re getting away with it, ladies).

The goat is likely to be pointing out the man’s bald patches. The goat is likely to be creating these bald patches by eating the man’s hair. The man is likely to be highly irritated by this.

Goats can be dicks like that.

Thank you to Mike for the image.

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Beverly and the goat.

June 1, 2010

Beverly was a small dog, she couldn’t run very fast because of a go-karting injury several years ago, and she was getting on a bit. She longed to go into town and see what exciting electronic devices Dixons were selling these days, but because of her ailments she had to sit inside and watch the shopping channels on the television instead.

The trouble with the shopping channels were that they were so effective! She had already bought a vacuum cleaner with a smiley face on it, hair straighteners that she didn’t need, and a knitting kit with an instructional DVD that she’d never use. She daren’t watch the television any more just in case she bought anything more elaborate.

Life was becoming empty. She reminisced about her wild younger days, when she went to Dixons several times a week. Oh, how she longed for the excitement of the past.

One day, her owners brought home a gigantic stuffed creature that might have been a goat at one time. Beverly studied it for a while before getting an idea. She would ride it to Dixons!

So she attached wheels to it using her excellent DIY skills and rode it to Dixons. When she got there she stole 3 laptops, and a 50” HD TV.

She was arrested and sent down for 2 years.

But she bloody loved every second of it.

Cheers for the pic, Karl.