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The Horrible Degu Experiments.

February 1, 2013

It was many years ago now. Long before that fashionable decade of the 80s that everyone seems to be obsessed with these days. Science was being pushed forward by highly trained maniacs with beards and crazy drugs. A new experiment was proposed: “The Amazing Fuse Us Together With Magical Witchcraft Business” it was called, or TAFUTWMWB for short.

The idea was to fuse the minds and bodies of multiple beings into one larger being, for no good reason.

An international bulletin was put out, “Sign up for excellent science experiments and become well famous, yeah?” it read.  A troupe of eight degus (who were close friends already) answered the call.

Nobody truly knew why they signed up for it, perhaps they were mental? Perhaps it was peer pressure? Perhaps they just wanted to be famous and get loads of money but didn’t really know the true gravity of trying to fuse eight degus into one being?

It was all over the newspapers, on the 16th page. Pictures of the brave degus wearing sponsored trainers and going to the latest movie premières, hanging out with celebrity imbeciles on rooftop terraces. For a few months, they lived the hollow high life that so many of us ache for (thanks to excellent television programming where people sing and become famous for a week and then swiftly become ridiculed by millions).

But then the experiments began. The horrible experiments. They were forced to eat crackers without cheese. They were forced to go to pubs but only drink juice. And then they were strapped to tables and zapped with laser beams.

After a year of torture, the experiment was declared a failure. Instead of fusing the poor degus into one being, they had simply gotten really sweaty and started sticking to each other:

degu

So the scientists were all shot.

Thanks to Craig (submitter) and Heather (possibly photographer, possibly just the person that sent it to Craig, nobody can remember).

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Oddly: Macho Man Randy Savage vs. Hamster!

January 14, 2013

Dreams do come true. Never let anyone tell you otherwise, for you are witnessing such an event at this very moment.

You may recall in the previous post I mentioned that an image featuring Macho Man Randy Savage and a hamster would be great as most people found the site last year searching for one of the two. Combined, they would be unstoppable, our hits would skyrocket to unknown heights (10-15 people).

Literally moments after the post went up my missus (yes, she does know about this site and she hasn’t even left me!) found this:

savageVham

And suddenly, the world was a better place.

For the full video this astonishing sight is taken from, please see below:

What a fantastic start to this year of animals on animals!

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2012 Round up, or “The Shame”.

January 7, 2013

We’ve had a tough year here at Animal on Animal. The person that writes it seems to have become incredibly poor at self discipline and has stopped updating regularly. What a dick. I’m not pleased with him. I suspect you aren’t either. Let’s not have a go at him though as I heard he’s a really nice super cool guy-man.

As is customary, WordPress has done some kind of internet code trickery to compile statistics for how the year has gone. There’s a picture of fireworks and then you have to click a shitty link thing which takes you to the whole bit, so I’ll summarise first so you don’t have to click it and try to be funny at the same time. Multitasking like an excellent lady despite having the crippling affliction that is manhood.

I did 15 posts this year. 15. This is supposed to be a weekly blog. I heard there are something like ten thousand weeks in a year so I’m missing the mark by some distance. Need to pick up the pace a little for 2013.

The most popular post was again The Dogs that Loved Macho Man Randy Savage, likely due to it having a very famous picture of the man in the post that everyone links directly to or finds via Google Image Search.

Popular search terms this year were: “hamstersmacho man randy savagerandy savagepics of hamsters, and cute hamsters.” If anyone has a picture of Macho Man Randy Savage with a hamster on him I think that post will be a shoe-in for most popular post of 2013, so have a dig.

And finally, most of the visitors were from the USA, which makes sense because there are a lot more of them than there are of most other people, and I heard they like the internet.

So in all it’s been a reasonably poor show from me in 2012, though I think I wrote some of the stupidest stories so it wasn’t a complete write off. My personal favourite was from the caption competition.

Thank you all for your contributions and continuing to look at this blog now and again. 2013 is going to be a good year, I can feel it… I think.

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The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 8,600 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 14 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

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The Many Perils of Town.

November 29, 2012

They hadn’t seen each other in days. Weeks. Maybe even more than weeks. Hours.

It was in this time apart from his wife that Philip the lion learned  that life was a merciless and unfeeling onslaught of mishap after mishap.

He went to “The Argos”. They didn’t have even one of the toasters his wife had sent him to get. He didn’t know whether to get the slightly cheaper one that didn’t look as nice, it was only a toaster after all, but then, would she like it? He should check with her.

“I should check with her,” he said. But it sounded more like a roar, and everyone that was in Argos suddenly realised Philip was a lion, and they screamed and started running about.

Amidst the anarchy of frightened shoppers Philip attempted to call his wife, Macbeth, using his mobile phone. He hated his mobile phone, it was touch screen and didn’t really work with humongous claws. Eventually he managed to dial.

“Hello?” Macbeth’s voice was icy, she knew he had bollocksed it up.

“Hello. Um, they don’t have any of the toasters you wanted… what do you think of that cheaper one?”

“I can’t hear you, Phil! What’s all that screaming about?”

Philip hadn’t noticed the screaming. He looked up and immediately forgot about his phone call as he took in the scene of a mass of humans rushing around, shouting and smashing their own faces into open Argos catalogues in a state manic distress.

“Phil? Phil?!” Macbeth’s phone-based yells went unheard.

Philip decided that he should leave Argos, because everyone was mental, so he did.

His next stop was Greggs. They had those cheese pasties that he liked, and it was just before lunchtime so he could beat the queue. The hulking lion squeezed into the tiny Greggs and put his paws on the counter. Unfortunately, the woman behind the counter had noticed he was a lion and passed out before he’d managed to order.

“The is becoming a proper shit day,” Philip muttered to himself.

He awkwardly reversed his frame back out of Gregs, only to be greeted by an angry mob of idiots with pitchforks and Nerf guns. One person had a trowel. What a dick. What would he be able to do to a lion with a trowel? Arsehole.

Philip was only trying to go to the shops. He was very upset.

“I’m only trying to do some shopping!” Philip addressed the angry mob. “Why can’t you leave me alone?”

But all the people heard were roars that sounded like “I AM LION MAN. I AM GOING TO EAT YOU AND YOUR BABIES.” So they shouted and screamed and ran at Philip with their shit weapons and their shit faces, and Philip fled from them.

He fled out of town, out into the African plains. By this time the members of the mob had grown too fatigued to continue, and had gone back to buy 2 for 1 offers at Tesco.

Philip trudged back home, tired, panting. And there was Macbeth. She looked up from her copy of Fifty Shades of Grey and frowned, but then saw the state he was in. She pounced on his head and have him a massive hug.

“I was worried about you!” she cooed.

“I was worried about me! Everyone was crazy in town! They had weapons and kept shouting at me!” Philip grunted from beneath his wife.

“And that, dear husband, is why we should only shop online, like I said!”

So they never went into town again.

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Thank you to the lovely Tim for the image, I presume he got it from The Sun, because he’s like that.

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A Rat on a Capybara in a swimming pool.

September 11, 2012

We haven’t had a video one for a while have we? You know why? Because nobody seems to like them! But I don’t care, this is my site!

Anyway, this video is good. I swear. It has a Capybara (arguably the best of all animals), and a rat (some people don’t like them because of that plague thing a few hundred years ago, I say it’s water under the bridge).

BEHOLD!

Thank you to Amy for finding this, and the people that made it for being excellent and filming their rat on their capybara. And for having a capybara. They have a website about it.

Good night!

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The One Weakness of a Rabbit.

September 3, 2012

“You can say what you like,” Barry the dog said as he chased his friend through the woods, “You’re a massive rabbit, and this is an unfair game of tig.”

The “massive rabbit” in question was Degas, and he was massive, and he was a rabbit.

“Stop moaning, Barry, and catch me!” In truth, Degas knew that the game was unfair, but he was pretty sick of everyone thinking dogs were ace and not thinking rabbits were quite as ace, so didn’t care.

The pair dashed through the thick woods of the English countryside, avoiding hobbits and dragons and badgers. Once or twice they took a break to eat blackberries. Neither of them particularly liked blackberries, but they were free, and times were economically tough. Blackberries were like two pounds or something at Tesco!

They ran again. Barry was doing a pretty good job at keeping up, he leapt gracefully through the bushes in pursuit of the white cotton tail bobbing up and down a few metres in front, but he was never going to catch his friend at this rate. He looked down at his tiny legs and sighed.

“If only I was a doberman,” Barry huffed to himself.

Degas was thinking about carrots and little blue jackets, and tiny shoes, like all rabbits do when they’re in the zone. He was speeding away.

A cunning thought came to Barry.

“Degas!” he shouted. “Oi!”

“Don’t distract me Barry! I know your game!” Degas smiled, but slowed his pace slightly to listen.

Barry had him where he wanted him… “What are you going to watch now that Desperate Housewives has finished?”

It struck Degas like a thunderbolt from a pikachu. What was he going to watch now that Desperate Housewives had finished?! He stopped dead, caught in the headlights of a world without Desperate Housewives, and Barry saw his chance. He dived through the air and landed square on Degas’ back.

“Tig!” he yelled, “I got you, silly rabbit!”

“How did you know my weakness?” Degas panted, still a bit panicked.

But Barry just winked at the camera, and the credits rolled.

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Thanks to Amy for the image (not sure where it’s from, if you know let me know).

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The Panda Bandits.

July 23, 2012

The rickety old plane shook as it was assaulted  by the turbulent northern winds. A biplane was no place for the Panda Bandits (George, Bill, and Horace), but after robbing the National Bank of Scarborough they found it was the only vehicle in the car park.

“Maybe we should have organised some kind of getaway car instead of going to Pizza Hut?” Bill suggested as he surveyed the car park.

His fellow bandits scowled and motioned for him to follow them as they dashed towards the plane. They had had this argument before the robbery. There was no time to do both, they had to either get a car, or go to Pizza Hut. Pizza Hut was their choice, they were hungry for cheese and bread and things of that nature. They would work out the vehicle situation later. And so, here they were, stuck with a biplane. Stupid flipping pandas.

With only two seats, it was a tight squeeze for the three endangered thieves, yet they had all managed to fit after it was decided that Bill would have to sit on Horace’s lap because George was the boss. Despite the standard issue flight training which all pandas receive in their teens, George’s piloting skills were a bit rusty as he was out of practice (which he neglected to explain when he proclaimed himself pilot). So they ended up doing something that looked a bit like this:

It was a right balls up. The trio fell from their seats while upside down. They screamed as they fell. They screamed like terrified stupid bandit pandas falling at speed from an aeroplane, because they were.

Assuming they were falling to their death, George said:

“AAAAAAaaaAAaAaAAaaRGH! BUGGERY BALLS!”

But luckily they landed in an unrealistically soft tree, which broke their fall instead of their bones. So that was good.

George felt embarrassed about his previous panicked shouting. He wished it hadn’t been in capitals. He wished he hadn’t said “buggery balls”. It was going to be a while before he lived this down.

“Ay! You blokes!” a voice came from the ground below. It was a policeman with a massive moustache. My God. That moustache was inspiringly large. It would put even the greatest of men to shame.

“You blokes!” he continued “Are you those nasty Panda Bandits that just robbed the National Bank of Scarborough?”

“No officer! Not us!” the nasty Panda Bandits that just robbed The National Bank of Scarborough said in unison.

But then a massive bag of money fell from the sky and landed next to the police man and his astonishing moustache.

“You’re bloody lying, you flipping panda dickheads!” the policeman was not pleased, so he threw a net over the pandas and took them to prison where they learnt to make cakes for Gordon Ramsey like on the telly.

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Thanks to Tim for the panda image, I dunno where he got it from.

Thanks to myself for the image of a Fokker plane, I got it from here.

Thanks to you, for reading this crap.